What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
