he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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