You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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