At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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