"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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