MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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