I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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