i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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