We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
did i just pee glitter
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
