Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
