i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There r osticjed everywhere
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
