oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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