Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
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I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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