shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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