No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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