On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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