Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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