My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
