She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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