I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
