I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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