people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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