there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
