so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
