Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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