I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
