I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
