i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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