see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
