she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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