I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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