i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
