In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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