all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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