we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
