I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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