And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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