My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
