mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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