Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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