My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
