so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
