cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
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Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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