Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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