You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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