one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
