Swine flu. Run for my life!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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