my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
