I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cockslap morals
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
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