im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he puts the penis in happiness.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
