I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
