I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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