I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
